A couple of years ago, a social media influencer went around asking random women a question that seemed absurd on the surface — until you heard the answers.
“Would you rather be alone in the woods with a bear, or alone in the woods with a random man?”
The overwhelming majority chose the bear.
Not a little majority. Not a slim margin. Overwhelming. And if that doesn’t make you stop and sit with something uncomfortable for a minute, I don’t know what to tell you.
There has been A LOT of commentary around this since it went viral — some of it I completely agree with, some of it shocked me to my core, and some of it made me so goddamn ANGRY I had to put my phone down and go touch grass for a minute.
So let’s talk about it. All of it.
First, let me tell you who I am before I say what I’m about to say.
I love men. Not in a “some of my best friends are…” disclaimer kind of way — I mean genuinely, truly love the men in my life. My son Joshua is my proudest accomplishment on this earth, the human I look at and think I did something right. My husband — husband number five, but that’s a whole series of posts — is a gift. A real one. My uncles are EXACTLY the kind of men the world needs more of. I have a twin brother, who is a fierce protector. My dad is one of the best people I know. I grew up with a man who led our family with integrity, who started a church after God called him to it in a dream, who showed me what it looks like when a man loves with intention, stands in the gap, and takes his responsibility seriously.
I believe in traditional family dynamics. I believe masculinity is needed in homes and marriages. I believe God gave husbands the responsibility of leading spiritually — and that when a man steps into that with intention and love, it is one of the most beautiful things you will ever witness.
And I have said for a long time — you’ve probably heard me say it before —
“It’s not every man. But it is always a man.”
Hold both of those things at the same time if you can.
Here’s the part where some of you are going to get uncomfortable, and I’m going to need you to stay with me anyway.
The women who chose the bear aren’t choosing it because they hate men. They’re choosing it because of math.
Let me give you an analogy I heard recently that stopped me cold.
Imagine I set a plate of cookies in front of you. Twelve of them. Homemade. Loaded with chocolate chips, golden edges, still slightly warm — you can smell them from here. Your mouth is watering. I know it is. Mine too.
Now I tell you: one of those twelve cookies is laced with arsenic. Just one. The other eleven are perfectly fine and absolutely delicious.
Do you reach for a cookie?
No. You don’t. Even though eleven out of twelve are safe — you don’t take the chance. Because one of them will kill you, and you don’t know which one it is, and the stakes are too high to guess wrong.
A bear’s behavior, at least, is predictable. A bear doesn’t have an agenda. A bear isn’t sizing you up. A bear won’t follow you to your car or show up at your job or dismiss what happened to you as something you somehow brought on yourself. A bear doesn’t ask what you were wearing or insist marriage to you is consent. A bear is dangerous, yes — but a bear is honest about it.
Too many women can’t say the same about too many men.
Now let me be clear about something: I am not saying all men are dangerous. I am saying that enough men are — and that the ones who aren’t have largely made a habit of staying quiet when they should be speaking up.
And here’s the thing about that: silence is a choice. Silence is comfortable. Silence doesn’t get you uninvited to the group chat or labeled “soft” or make things weird at the bar. But silence is also what makes the arsenic cookie possible. Because nobody’s checking the plate.
So if you’re a man reading this and you genuinely don’t understand what you can do — I’ll tell you. It’s not complicated. It just requires something.
Stand up. When a woman needs protecting from another man, don’t wait for someone else to step in. Be the someone.
Speak out. When a man says something vile about women — a slur, rape talk, anything that degrades or dismisses — say something. Right then. Not later. Not in private. Then.
Stop confusing “not being bad” with “being good.” Those are not the same thing. Not being “that kind of man” does not automatically make you a good man. Goodness is not the absence of harm — it’s the presence of action. It requires showing up. It requires discomfort. It requires choosing, repeatedly, to be the kind of man who makes women feel safer rather than more afraid.
“We must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil we must fear most. And that is the indifference of good men.”
Read that again. Slowly.
The world doesn’t need fewer bad men — though obviously, yes, that too. The world needs more good men who refuse to be indifferent. That’s the shift. That’s the whole thing.
When the original conversation was happening online, my siSTAR Stacy and I looked at each other — she was staying with me for a season, one of my favorite of our memories together — and we had what I can only describe as a brilliant idea.
What if we built something around this? A brand. A movement. Women Everywhere Choose The Bear. Make the swag, post the content, and use whatever proceeds come from it to actually help women — fund escapes from violent situations, support legal action against abusers, amplify organizations doing the hard, unglamorous work of protecting women every single day.
We built the bones of it. We designed the most incredible logo —
— and if you ask me, it might be one of the best things I’ve ever put my name on.
Life got in the way of the full launch, the way life always does. But I haven’t forgotten about it. Not for a single day.
So here’s what I’m doing with it now.
Because of this blog and this little community we’re building together, I’m bringing W E Choose The Bear to the shop. Stickers. Buttons. T-shirts. Hoodies. Every piece of swag with a purpose — because I intend to donate to local causes that protect women, fight for women, and uplift women with whatever proceeds come from you all showing up and supporting this mission.
It’s a small thing. But small things, done collectively, become loud.
Hit the shop button at the top of the page. Grab something. Show up. Be part of the collective voice.
Mariska Hargitay — who has dedicated enormous portions of her life to this exact fight — put it better than I ever could:
“The power is in collective voices. We can effect change if we support each other and speak out truth. We did it when we got the right to vote, when birth control became legal, when we earned the right to have bank accounts, own property, have credit. The #MeToo movement is proof.”
She’s right. We’ve done it before. We’ll do it again.
Together, we choose the bear.
— Moe
